Okay, so here's the problem: Me, I'm completely in love with L. but now S. has asked me on a date, and I have said yes...And it looks like he wants more than just one date, and it might launch into a relationship, and I'm not sure I want that. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here...it's just a date. But at the moment, S. and I are quite good friends, so what's gonna happen to that?!? Aah, I just hope it all works out well.

And I'm not sure if I even like him anymore. Now he just seems a bit full of himself, in that sweet caring way. He's still completely lovely, but when I talk to him, it feels like he's trying to turn me against myself; trying to make me forget all my beliefs and inspire me to believe in him instead. And while I guess I do believe in him, I don't want to. Only, it's not that easy; it's like he knows I'm going to move on, so he's extra lovely, suggesting we meet up more, making me feel super special.

But I don't want to love him anymore. I want to move on, I really do. But it's so hard when he's so lovely and easy to get along with. And he's great at talking too, I wish I could talk like he does. Talk about things that matter; really intelligent things, and facts that are really relevant to everyday occurences. So now whenever something happens, I instantly think of him, discussing it with me, and why it happens, when it happens. It's like he's taken control of my brain, crazy, I know. But it's almost true! everything I can relate back to him, in some way or another.

Wow, I started off talking about him negatively, and now I'm pretty sure I still love him. The more I think of him, the more I want to be with him, and the more I miss his charming smile, the cute little habits, like when he looks at me when he's thinking of something, the way he ruffles my hair...

I don't know what I'm saying, so I'll just stop now.

We could be swimming in a library, and still I would be no more intelligent in your eyes. And I don't like that idea at all. All I want to do is do well. And now I'm going to try really hard. Only, it's so hard not to stumble in your presence, you're so perfect, and it's hard to compare.

But I don't know if you even care. You're so hard to read, it's impossible. And that's not just my opinion. And I don't know what to do with you.

As christmas draws near, I'm wondering who I should buy pressies for. Of course, there's always the giving to people who have given something to you. But then who? Like the people who you really care about, who never bother to give you christmas pressents. And how much should I spend on each pressent? Crafty.

And among the superficial things like Christmas pressents, there's still the old recurring issues: those love ones. Me? I'm still smitten with you know who. But it's getting so hard. I can't remember the last time I was single over Christmas, and it's difficult to know what to do. Shall I find someone to share in the festivities with? or stick to this long, never ending chase? I am getting rather lonely, even with everyone else around. I'm a needy girl, but I think I'll stick with this chase. I'll hug my cat.

I'm not making any sense. It's like I'm not me at all. I mean, I'm not one of those people that goes out every weekend, but that's what I've been doing recently. As a result, I'm completely shattered, and I can't concentrate, so I'm doing nothing in lessons. And it's all set to go downhill from here.

They say pride comes before a fall. Now watch me fall.

and I thought you were going to wait for me? Maybe not... I just thought that when you said 'I'll wait for you'...I guess I thought that meant that you wern't going to date other girls. And when you said 'you're the only girl I want', that reinforced my belief. But obviously I was wrong. And if I was wrong about this, what else have I been wrong about??

And now I see you for real, it all makes sense; and I don't want someone like that. So I guess I don't want you. Sorry. And don't forget to miss me.

Hey you,
If you don't like me, just say so,
Instead if keaving this trail of mixed messages for me to follow around in circles,
It feels like you're leading me to the wrong ending, to trun me around,
And I'll leave. I'll leave you to get through on your own, without hinderance from me.

Me? Obsessed? Only slightly. I guess I like to cling to things. Even if they aren't mine.

Or maybe I just want a challenge? Nah, that can't be it; I get attached to things that are really easy to obtain.

I'm obsessive.

Oops.

'But she's so pretty'

Can that really be an excuse? I guess if someone was pretty, you would want her, but seriosuly? If she was 4 years younger than you? Well, I guess he didn't know that, and seeing as everyone else there was about his age. I guess you wouldn't be able to guess that she was so much younger.

And she's always told how much older she looks, and she gets into clubs and bars already.

I remember how easily he lifted me off the ground, while kissing me. My legs wrapped around his body as he walked to lock the door, then went over to the bed in the corner. I remember the ease with which he undid my bra, and removed both it and my shirt at the same time, over my head.

'you're gorgeous'

And I know I never said it back, but so are you.

J.

I'm still slightly mad at you. I mean, why would you do that?!? Even if you did recognise him, why would you have to connect him with me out loud?!? In your head, sure, but saying it? Really?

It had really better be all okay in the end. Now he probably thinks I've been telling people he's my boyfriend. You complicate things so much.

It is like one big game. And it seems that the only way to win is to cheat, and lie your way past the different stages. Only, it seems like I've been stuck on this same level for years now. I'm not growing up. And while I'm going around in circles, I meet new challenges, keeping me even more stuck on that level. Maybe I just need to let everything and everyone go, just until I get through to the next level.

But I can't let go. What if one of these challenges is the key to unlocking the secret?

What secret?

Maybe there isn't a secret. Maybe it's perseverance that helps people move on. Maybe I just need to carry on as I'm going. I don't know what I'm going to do. Actually, I'll go to bed. And think things through in the morning.

No one makes me feel the same way as L. does. He makes me feel full. (Okay, maybe not the best word to describe it, but it's a kinda complete feeling, like you don't need anything else).

And we were talking, and he said basically the same thing as you, J. about being with a guy you don't really like. The perfect guy will just pass you by.

But the perfect guy has already passed me by. He didn't like me enough; I wasn't his perfect girl.

And it's amazing how everything can change with a couple of words. And really insignificant words at that.



'I wont hurt you.'



Quite easy to say, but hard to keep. But when T. says it, I believe him. I don't know why, but I do. And he would stand up for me in front of anyone.

He's so lovely, but he's not L. And though whenever we are together, he makes me smile, I don't want to start anything before I'm ready to. And I don't think I'm ready yet. I'm not ready to let go of L.

As long as everything looks pretty and undisturbed on the outside, that's all that matters, right? But it's like the world is getting too heavy, and I can't hold it anymore. Sure, others can help, but how long will that last until they get bored, and go to help someone else instead? And the weight of it is distorting everything normal, and staining everything, so it's not pretty anymore.

I feel like I'm a kid who just won't let it go. And after everything is over, I'm the one left standing there, wondering what I just did. And I can't figure it out. I can't figure it out.

For the first time ever, after a night out, I feel guilty. I feel really bad.

On Friday night, I went out with T. and some of his friends (I didn't know any of them). We started out at The Apple, then went up Park St. to Nekos. All the way up, I was drinking more and more, until I wasn't my usual shy type at all, I was really chatty, talking to whoever was next to me. T. was off talking to other people, so I was left to my own devices.

After being let into Nekos, I found T. again, and we went to sit at a table with more of his friends. Then he got up, presumably to talk to some other people, and I stayed to talk with them.

Okay, to cut a long story short, T. kept coming and going, all the while, this guy was buying me drinks (wayy to many drinks) and I slightly got with him (he had tattoos and everything *sigh* ). By slightly, I mean we just kissed. But still, I feel guilty, becasue T. was there, and I think he saw, but he definately knows about it.

Why do I feel guilty? I'm not sure... Becasue it wasn't much. But still...

I'm feeling hungry and dejected. I had a maths test yesterday, and got the paper back today, and I failed dismally : 17%.

Okay, that wasn't so bad given the marks the rest of the class got ( a couple of people got 0% ) but still, it's abysmally bad.

On a more positive note, the sister is back from her travels to the other side of the world, and with her, she brought gifts. Plenty of delightful gifts:

A pen shaped as a lolli-pop.
A hand held mirror in a pretty red case.
A box of cute erasers.
A cuddly toy moomin.
Some dainty necklaces.
A phone charm.

Overall, I am very pleased with my pressies, and I think she should go away more often, perhaps with more money to spend on me =]

I don't want to be stupid any more. I want people to pay attention to me, and not be suprised when I come out with something vaguely intelligent-sounding. It's tiring, being stupid and 'dippy'. And it isn't nice really. I know I bring it on myself...but how do I stop now? I can't just change who I am overnight, not only would that be impossible, but it would also be confusing for those around me. Ha ha, imagine if someone you knew changed dramatically; you would be confused-'are you her twin?'

Ooh, and confusing breakthrough: I'm not sure if I even like T. Maybe I'm using him as a distraction or something, but thinking about it, he's not my type at all. I like clever people, and he's the complete opposite. Well, okay, he's not stupid, but he knows even less than me. (Which must be next to nothing then.) But oh well, he's good company. And it's nothing serious.

But then I remember what you told me 'But then people will see you with Dan and think you're with him'. Same applies to T. right? Or does it? Becasue people wont see me with him really... because we don't really see eachother in the company of others...

Aagh. I feel rotten. I can't breathe without coughing, and my head hurts. Ouch.
But on the plus side, I have lots planned for tomorrow. =] In the morning, I'm going swimming with my Mum, then seeing a movie with her too. Then I will see a couple of friends. Should be fun, becuase these past few days, I have been sitting in bed, hurting.

On the plus side: Wait, I can't think of anything at the moment. I will get back to you on that one...

Yesterday, I took T. to see the sister in her school play. Beforehand, we wandered around aimlessly in town, and it was actually really nice. He's pleasant company, and we sorta get along with eachother. But when we kiss, I don't get butterflies. Not even close.

But still, it's nice to have someone that I like that likes me back.

Wow, I'm talking to T.'s ex at the moment, and omgosh, she sounds like a complete sket. It's like she's trying to compete with me about who has gone the furthest with the most guys, and she is winning hands down! And she's 14...

On the other hand, I spent a rather nice day with T. yesterday. I went over his house, and met his family...(unexpected, but I don't think I did too badly, bearing in mind I hadn't prepared or anything, and I was v. polite at all times). The day was lovely. We watched couple of DVDs and ate cake.

Now, let's backtrack a bit: Thursday night was 6th form party, at which I made an appearance. And I got slightly drunk. And I got slightly crazy. But don't worry, I didn't sleep with anyone. Not from lack of a certain someone trying. It seemed as if everywhere I went, he followed me. Eugh, I hate guys with long hair...gross. (And yes, I am allowed to say that, because now he is in a strop with me, for reasons unknown at this moment in time.) But overall the night was v. unsatisfying. Sure it was fun, but I'm not going to go to the next one for fear of making a fool of myself. And I think I'm going to keep away from guys for the next week. Or couple of days. Or next couple of hours as it is more likely to be. =P

It's amazing how the days can change so freely. One second, everything is amazing, and then, in an instant, everything is flipped on it's head and it's all a total disaster.

I saw L. after school today. I don't know why (and yes, I did kick him D.), it's like there's something making me want to see him forever. Ha ha, maybe I'm just a fool. Actually, I probably am a fool. But oh well. That's life, you're a fool for some people, and then others come along, and you aren't nearly as foolish.

Anyway, when we went our seperate ways, I felt really happy. I walked home, in the fading light, and caught my Mum just as she was pulling out of the drive, got in her car, and drove to pick up the sister. And that was when it flipped. We couldn't find her anywhere, and when we did eventually find her, we were all a bit panicked, so me and the sister had a massive arguement. And she had to bring up my past. It's not fair. Everytime she brings it up, and she know's it gets me really down. Wow, that's an understatement.

I do love her, but sometimes I want to get rid of her. Flush her down the toilet or something. But no, I wouldn't wish any harm upon her or anything.

Why is it that whenever I talk to my Dad, it always ends in an arguement? Why does he insist on being so controling, and being so adamant that he is always right. It's so annoying, and leaves me with an unsavory feeling of guilt when I leave.

I feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough to get along with him. The problem is, I also don't see the point in getting close to him if he is to move away before Christmas (74 shopping days left!). And that makes me feel kinda guilty, because he is still my Dad, and I should love him, and he should protect me from all the boys etc.

On another topic completely: I think L. is avoiding me. I shouldn't really be complaining, because he is a bum. But he's a lovely bum, who is so good at 'let's play pretend'. Plus, I want to ask him if we can swap back shifts at work. Ha ha. But it's annoying, because I can't talk to him if I don't see him, and I don't wanna text him or ring him (I'm stubborn, and I refuse to make first contact).

I'm the sorta person that goes out to hurt people, in order to make myself feel better. I'm the sorta person who would leave her Dad, because he was too controling. I'm the sorta person who wouldn't care if her Dad moved away to a different city, or even a different country, and I wouldn't keep in touch, even if I needed help with maths homework.

I wouldn't care if you ran away, only if you never came to see me would I care. Because I'm selfish like that.

I would choose friends over boys, unless I wanted him. The problem is, I don't know what I want. So at the moment, I'll take all I can, untill I can decide. Then I will have more than I need, and I can dispose of what I will, and not worry about anything else.

'People should embrace organic food'

Why? I thought people said that it isn't as good as it was made out to be all those years ago. Organic food was the new black, because of all the myths surrounding it, but now those myths have been discredited, no one knows quite what to think. So some people continue to buy it, following the logic 'better the devil you know' while others go back to the cheap stuff.

Which one should I be? I have tried so hard to wait around for the nice guys to pay me some attention, but no one seems to be taking the bait. Well, no one any good. It's like anyone I like, has something against me, but all the gross guys are totally intrested. And I wouldn't mind that if only people didn't judge me based on who I slept with. Now, I'm not asking people to stop judging, I'm just asking that ... Wait, I have no idea what I'm asking.


I saw R. today. It was all quite nice really, but I am left with the feeling that I don't like him anymore. Maybe my views have changed since I moved school, or maybe he has become more closed than before, or maybe it's a bit of both. But we used to click, and we could sit in silence without it being uncomfortable at all, but today, whenever we ran out of conversation, it was awquard. And it's vexatious, because we used to get along so well, and I feel I have lost a friend.

You know what I am starting to believe? That everything happens for a reason.

For example, if L. hadn't been in my life, and I hadn't completely fallen for him, then I wouldn't have learnt how badly it hurts when love is unrequited. Before he came along, I used to mess around with every guy I knew. Not hurting them intentionally, just accidently as I had fun. I would dance around them, creating confusion, and stiring up trouble.

Then along came L. The most amazing guy I had ever met (and I still havn't found anyone to match him yet). Okay, so if you met him, you probably wouldn't think he was v. special. But in my opinion, he was incredible.

He was the only guy I didn't cheat on. Ohh, wait, I may have cheated on him once. But that doesn't count, because I felt so so guilty afterwards.

And since he's been gone, I havn't messed around with any guy. Not really anyway. I mean, you can't change the stripes on a tiger, but you can dye it's fur. Only, what will happen when it's roots start to show? We'll wait and see...