I don't want to be stupid any more. I want people to pay attention to me, and not be suprised when I come out with something vaguely intelligent-sounding. It's tiring, being stupid and 'dippy'. And it isn't nice really. I know I bring it on myself...but how do I stop now? I can't just change who I am overnight, not only would that be impossible, but it would also be confusing for those around me. Ha ha, imagine if someone you knew changed dramatically; you would be confused-'are you her twin?'

Ooh, and confusing breakthrough: I'm not sure if I even like T. Maybe I'm using him as a distraction or something, but thinking about it, he's not my type at all. I like clever people, and he's the complete opposite. Well, okay, he's not stupid, but he knows even less than me. (Which must be next to nothing then.) But oh well, he's good company. And it's nothing serious.

But then I remember what you told me 'But then people will see you with Dan and think you're with him'. Same applies to T. right? Or does it? Becasue people wont see me with him really... because we don't really see eachother in the company of others...

Aagh. I feel rotten. I can't breathe without coughing, and my head hurts. Ouch.
But on the plus side, I have lots planned for tomorrow. =] In the morning, I'm going swimming with my Mum, then seeing a movie with her too. Then I will see a couple of friends. Should be fun, becuase these past few days, I have been sitting in bed, hurting.

On the plus side: Wait, I can't think of anything at the moment. I will get back to you on that one...

Yesterday, I took T. to see the sister in her school play. Beforehand, we wandered around aimlessly in town, and it was actually really nice. He's pleasant company, and we sorta get along with eachother. But when we kiss, I don't get butterflies. Not even close.

But still, it's nice to have someone that I like that likes me back.

Wow, I'm talking to T.'s ex at the moment, and omgosh, she sounds like a complete sket. It's like she's trying to compete with me about who has gone the furthest with the most guys, and she is winning hands down! And she's 14...

On the other hand, I spent a rather nice day with T. yesterday. I went over his house, and met his family...(unexpected, but I don't think I did too badly, bearing in mind I hadn't prepared or anything, and I was v. polite at all times). The day was lovely. We watched couple of DVDs and ate cake.

Now, let's backtrack a bit: Thursday night was 6th form party, at which I made an appearance. And I got slightly drunk. And I got slightly crazy. But don't worry, I didn't sleep with anyone. Not from lack of a certain someone trying. It seemed as if everywhere I went, he followed me. Eugh, I hate guys with long hair...gross. (And yes, I am allowed to say that, because now he is in a strop with me, for reasons unknown at this moment in time.) But overall the night was v. unsatisfying. Sure it was fun, but I'm not going to go to the next one for fear of making a fool of myself. And I think I'm going to keep away from guys for the next week. Or couple of days. Or next couple of hours as it is more likely to be. =P

It's amazing how the days can change so freely. One second, everything is amazing, and then, in an instant, everything is flipped on it's head and it's all a total disaster.

I saw L. after school today. I don't know why (and yes, I did kick him D.), it's like there's something making me want to see him forever. Ha ha, maybe I'm just a fool. Actually, I probably am a fool. But oh well. That's life, you're a fool for some people, and then others come along, and you aren't nearly as foolish.

Anyway, when we went our seperate ways, I felt really happy. I walked home, in the fading light, and caught my Mum just as she was pulling out of the drive, got in her car, and drove to pick up the sister. And that was when it flipped. We couldn't find her anywhere, and when we did eventually find her, we were all a bit panicked, so me and the sister had a massive arguement. And she had to bring up my past. It's not fair. Everytime she brings it up, and she know's it gets me really down. Wow, that's an understatement.

I do love her, but sometimes I want to get rid of her. Flush her down the toilet or something. But no, I wouldn't wish any harm upon her or anything.

Why is it that whenever I talk to my Dad, it always ends in an arguement? Why does he insist on being so controling, and being so adamant that he is always right. It's so annoying, and leaves me with an unsavory feeling of guilt when I leave.

I feel guilty that I didn't try hard enough to get along with him. The problem is, I also don't see the point in getting close to him if he is to move away before Christmas (74 shopping days left!). And that makes me feel kinda guilty, because he is still my Dad, and I should love him, and he should protect me from all the boys etc.

On another topic completely: I think L. is avoiding me. I shouldn't really be complaining, because he is a bum. But he's a lovely bum, who is so good at 'let's play pretend'. Plus, I want to ask him if we can swap back shifts at work. Ha ha. But it's annoying, because I can't talk to him if I don't see him, and I don't wanna text him or ring him (I'm stubborn, and I refuse to make first contact).

I'm the sorta person that goes out to hurt people, in order to make myself feel better. I'm the sorta person who would leave her Dad, because he was too controling. I'm the sorta person who wouldn't care if her Dad moved away to a different city, or even a different country, and I wouldn't keep in touch, even if I needed help with maths homework.

I wouldn't care if you ran away, only if you never came to see me would I care. Because I'm selfish like that.

I would choose friends over boys, unless I wanted him. The problem is, I don't know what I want. So at the moment, I'll take all I can, untill I can decide. Then I will have more than I need, and I can dispose of what I will, and not worry about anything else.

'People should embrace organic food'

Why? I thought people said that it isn't as good as it was made out to be all those years ago. Organic food was the new black, because of all the myths surrounding it, but now those myths have been discredited, no one knows quite what to think. So some people continue to buy it, following the logic 'better the devil you know' while others go back to the cheap stuff.

Which one should I be? I have tried so hard to wait around for the nice guys to pay me some attention, but no one seems to be taking the bait. Well, no one any good. It's like anyone I like, has something against me, but all the gross guys are totally intrested. And I wouldn't mind that if only people didn't judge me based on who I slept with. Now, I'm not asking people to stop judging, I'm just asking that ... Wait, I have no idea what I'm asking.


I saw R. today. It was all quite nice really, but I am left with the feeling that I don't like him anymore. Maybe my views have changed since I moved school, or maybe he has become more closed than before, or maybe it's a bit of both. But we used to click, and we could sit in silence without it being uncomfortable at all, but today, whenever we ran out of conversation, it was awquard. And it's vexatious, because we used to get along so well, and I feel I have lost a friend.

You know what I am starting to believe? That everything happens for a reason.

For example, if L. hadn't been in my life, and I hadn't completely fallen for him, then I wouldn't have learnt how badly it hurts when love is unrequited. Before he came along, I used to mess around with every guy I knew. Not hurting them intentionally, just accidently as I had fun. I would dance around them, creating confusion, and stiring up trouble.

Then along came L. The most amazing guy I had ever met (and I still havn't found anyone to match him yet). Okay, so if you met him, you probably wouldn't think he was v. special. But in my opinion, he was incredible.

He was the only guy I didn't cheat on. Ohh, wait, I may have cheated on him once. But that doesn't count, because I felt so so guilty afterwards.

And since he's been gone, I havn't messed around with any guy. Not really anyway. I mean, you can't change the stripes on a tiger, but you can dye it's fur. Only, what will happen when it's roots start to show? We'll wait and see...