'But she's so pretty'

Can that really be an excuse? I guess if someone was pretty, you would want her, but seriosuly? If she was 4 years younger than you? Well, I guess he didn't know that, and seeing as everyone else there was about his age. I guess you wouldn't be able to guess that she was so much younger.

And she's always told how much older she looks, and she gets into clubs and bars already.

I remember how easily he lifted me off the ground, while kissing me. My legs wrapped around his body as he walked to lock the door, then went over to the bed in the corner. I remember the ease with which he undid my bra, and removed both it and my shirt at the same time, over my head.

'you're gorgeous'

And I know I never said it back, but so are you.

J.

I'm still slightly mad at you. I mean, why would you do that?!? Even if you did recognise him, why would you have to connect him with me out loud?!? In your head, sure, but saying it? Really?

It had really better be all okay in the end. Now he probably thinks I've been telling people he's my boyfriend. You complicate things so much.

It is like one big game. And it seems that the only way to win is to cheat, and lie your way past the different stages. Only, it seems like I've been stuck on this same level for years now. I'm not growing up. And while I'm going around in circles, I meet new challenges, keeping me even more stuck on that level. Maybe I just need to let everything and everyone go, just until I get through to the next level.

But I can't let go. What if one of these challenges is the key to unlocking the secret?

What secret?

Maybe there isn't a secret. Maybe it's perseverance that helps people move on. Maybe I just need to carry on as I'm going. I don't know what I'm going to do. Actually, I'll go to bed. And think things through in the morning.

No one makes me feel the same way as L. does. He makes me feel full. (Okay, maybe not the best word to describe it, but it's a kinda complete feeling, like you don't need anything else).

And we were talking, and he said basically the same thing as you, J. about being with a guy you don't really like. The perfect guy will just pass you by.

But the perfect guy has already passed me by. He didn't like me enough; I wasn't his perfect girl.

And it's amazing how everything can change with a couple of words. And really insignificant words at that.



'I wont hurt you.'



Quite easy to say, but hard to keep. But when T. says it, I believe him. I don't know why, but I do. And he would stand up for me in front of anyone.

He's so lovely, but he's not L. And though whenever we are together, he makes me smile, I don't want to start anything before I'm ready to. And I don't think I'm ready yet. I'm not ready to let go of L.

As long as everything looks pretty and undisturbed on the outside, that's all that matters, right? But it's like the world is getting too heavy, and I can't hold it anymore. Sure, others can help, but how long will that last until they get bored, and go to help someone else instead? And the weight of it is distorting everything normal, and staining everything, so it's not pretty anymore.

I feel like I'm a kid who just won't let it go. And after everything is over, I'm the one left standing there, wondering what I just did. And I can't figure it out. I can't figure it out.

For the first time ever, after a night out, I feel guilty. I feel really bad.

On Friday night, I went out with T. and some of his friends (I didn't know any of them). We started out at The Apple, then went up Park St. to Nekos. All the way up, I was drinking more and more, until I wasn't my usual shy type at all, I was really chatty, talking to whoever was next to me. T. was off talking to other people, so I was left to my own devices.

After being let into Nekos, I found T. again, and we went to sit at a table with more of his friends. Then he got up, presumably to talk to some other people, and I stayed to talk with them.

Okay, to cut a long story short, T. kept coming and going, all the while, this guy was buying me drinks (wayy to many drinks) and I slightly got with him (he had tattoos and everything *sigh* ). By slightly, I mean we just kissed. But still, I feel guilty, becasue T. was there, and I think he saw, but he definately knows about it.

Why do I feel guilty? I'm not sure... Becasue it wasn't much. But still...

I'm feeling hungry and dejected. I had a maths test yesterday, and got the paper back today, and I failed dismally : 17%.

Okay, that wasn't so bad given the marks the rest of the class got ( a couple of people got 0% ) but still, it's abysmally bad.

On a more positive note, the sister is back from her travels to the other side of the world, and with her, she brought gifts. Plenty of delightful gifts:

A pen shaped as a lolli-pop.
A hand held mirror in a pretty red case.
A box of cute erasers.
A cuddly toy moomin.
Some dainty necklaces.
A phone charm.

Overall, I am very pleased with my pressies, and I think she should go away more often, perhaps with more money to spend on me =]