And I'm not sure if I even like him anymore. Now he just seems a bit full of himself, in that sweet caring way. He's still completely lovely, but when I talk to him, it feels like he's trying to turn me against myself; trying to make me forget all my beliefs and inspire me to believe in him instead. And while I guess I do believe in him, I don't want to. Only, it's not that easy; it's like he knows I'm going to move on, so he's extra lovely, suggesting we meet up more, making me feel super special.

But I don't want to love him anymore. I want to move on, I really do. But it's so hard when he's so lovely and easy to get along with. And he's great at talking too, I wish I could talk like he does. Talk about things that matter; really intelligent things, and facts that are really relevant to everyday occurences. So now whenever something happens, I instantly think of him, discussing it with me, and why it happens, when it happens. It's like he's taken control of my brain, crazy, I know. But it's almost true! everything I can relate back to him, in some way or another.

Wow, I started off talking about him negatively, and now I'm pretty sure I still love him. The more I think of him, the more I want to be with him, and the more I miss his charming smile, the cute little habits, like when he looks at me when he's thinking of something, the way he ruffles my hair...

I don't know what I'm saying, so I'll just stop now.

We could be swimming in a library, and still I would be no more intelligent in your eyes. And I don't like that idea at all. All I want to do is do well. And now I'm going to try really hard. Only, it's so hard not to stumble in your presence, you're so perfect, and it's hard to compare.

But I don't know if you even care. You're so hard to read, it's impossible. And that's not just my opinion. And I don't know what to do with you.

Me? Obsessed? Only slightly. I guess I like to cling to things. Even if they aren't mine.

Or maybe I just want a challenge? Nah, that can't be it; I get attached to things that are really easy to obtain.

I'm obsessive.

Oops.

No one makes me feel the same way as L. does. He makes me feel full. (Okay, maybe not the best word to describe it, but it's a kinda complete feeling, like you don't need anything else).

And we were talking, and he said basically the same thing as you, J. about being with a guy you don't really like. The perfect guy will just pass you by.

But the perfect guy has already passed me by. He didn't like me enough; I wasn't his perfect girl.

And it's amazing how everything can change with a couple of words. And really insignificant words at that.



'I wont hurt you.'



Quite easy to say, but hard to keep. But when T. says it, I believe him. I don't know why, but I do. And he would stand up for me in front of anyone.

He's so lovely, but he's not L. And though whenever we are together, he makes me smile, I don't want to start anything before I'm ready to. And I don't think I'm ready yet. I'm not ready to let go of L.

You know what I am starting to believe? That everything happens for a reason.

For example, if L. hadn't been in my life, and I hadn't completely fallen for him, then I wouldn't have learnt how badly it hurts when love is unrequited. Before he came along, I used to mess around with every guy I knew. Not hurting them intentionally, just accidently as I had fun. I would dance around them, creating confusion, and stiring up trouble.

Then along came L. The most amazing guy I had ever met (and I still havn't found anyone to match him yet). Okay, so if you met him, you probably wouldn't think he was v. special. But in my opinion, he was incredible.

He was the only guy I didn't cheat on. Ohh, wait, I may have cheated on him once. But that doesn't count, because I felt so so guilty afterwards.

And since he's been gone, I havn't messed around with any guy. Not really anyway. I mean, you can't change the stripes on a tiger, but you can dye it's fur. Only, what will happen when it's roots start to show? We'll wait and see...