And it's amazing how everything can change with a couple of words. And really insignificant words at that.



'I wont hurt you.'



Quite easy to say, but hard to keep. But when T. says it, I believe him. I don't know why, but I do. And he would stand up for me in front of anyone.

He's so lovely, but he's not L. And though whenever we are together, he makes me smile, I don't want to start anything before I'm ready to. And I don't think I'm ready yet. I'm not ready to let go of L.

For the first time ever, after a night out, I feel guilty. I feel really bad.

On Friday night, I went out with T. and some of his friends (I didn't know any of them). We started out at The Apple, then went up Park St. to Nekos. All the way up, I was drinking more and more, until I wasn't my usual shy type at all, I was really chatty, talking to whoever was next to me. T. was off talking to other people, so I was left to my own devices.

After being let into Nekos, I found T. again, and we went to sit at a table with more of his friends. Then he got up, presumably to talk to some other people, and I stayed to talk with them.

Okay, to cut a long story short, T. kept coming and going, all the while, this guy was buying me drinks (wayy to many drinks) and I slightly got with him (he had tattoos and everything *sigh* ). By slightly, I mean we just kissed. But still, I feel guilty, becasue T. was there, and I think he saw, but he definately knows about it.

Why do I feel guilty? I'm not sure... Becasue it wasn't much. But still...

I don't want to be stupid any more. I want people to pay attention to me, and not be suprised when I come out with something vaguely intelligent-sounding. It's tiring, being stupid and 'dippy'. And it isn't nice really. I know I bring it on myself...but how do I stop now? I can't just change who I am overnight, not only would that be impossible, but it would also be confusing for those around me. Ha ha, imagine if someone you knew changed dramatically; you would be confused-'are you her twin?'

Ooh, and confusing breakthrough: I'm not sure if I even like T. Maybe I'm using him as a distraction or something, but thinking about it, he's not my type at all. I like clever people, and he's the complete opposite. Well, okay, he's not stupid, but he knows even less than me. (Which must be next to nothing then.) But oh well, he's good company. And it's nothing serious.

But then I remember what you told me 'But then people will see you with Dan and think you're with him'. Same applies to T. right? Or does it? Becasue people wont see me with him really... because we don't really see eachother in the company of others...

Yesterday, I took T. to see the sister in her school play. Beforehand, we wandered around aimlessly in town, and it was actually really nice. He's pleasant company, and we sorta get along with eachother. But when we kiss, I don't get butterflies. Not even close.

But still, it's nice to have someone that I like that likes me back.

Wow, I'm talking to T.'s ex at the moment, and omgosh, she sounds like a complete sket. It's like she's trying to compete with me about who has gone the furthest with the most guys, and she is winning hands down! And she's 14...

On the other hand, I spent a rather nice day with T. yesterday. I went over his house, and met his family...(unexpected, but I don't think I did too badly, bearing in mind I hadn't prepared or anything, and I was v. polite at all times). The day was lovely. We watched couple of DVDs and ate cake.

Now, let's backtrack a bit: Thursday night was 6th form party, at which I made an appearance. And I got slightly drunk. And I got slightly crazy. But don't worry, I didn't sleep with anyone. Not from lack of a certain someone trying. It seemed as if everywhere I went, he followed me. Eugh, I hate guys with long hair...gross. (And yes, I am allowed to say that, because now he is in a strop with me, for reasons unknown at this moment in time.) But overall the night was v. unsatisfying. Sure it was fun, but I'm not going to go to the next one for fear of making a fool of myself. And I think I'm going to keep away from guys for the next week. Or couple of days. Or next couple of hours as it is more likely to be. =P