I love him, so I'm not being unfaithful, right? It's only a text, right? It doesn't mean anything surely?
But I want more than a few texts. I can't help thinking that he's going to leave me, so I need someone to leave. I'm going to prove that I'm worth something, so I'm going to have him. I ruined his life, he should hate me. He's not yet recovered after 1 1/2 years, so I think I hit him pretty hard. Only, I never meant to, things just got out of hand. He used me, he never really liked me. So it's a chase I'm never going to win. So I may as well use him back, right?
But my love won't be so happy. It'll kill him. I've made alot of mistakes in my life, but this would be the biggest. And with it will come the biggest thrill.
And he knows I love him, and that I don't want him to go.

It is like one big game. And it seems that the only way to win is to cheat, and lie your way past the different stages. Only, it seems like I've been stuck on this same level for years now. I'm not growing up. And while I'm going around in circles, I meet new challenges, keeping me even more stuck on that level. Maybe I just need to let everything and everyone go, just until I get through to the next level.

But I can't let go. What if one of these challenges is the key to unlocking the secret?

What secret?

Maybe there isn't a secret. Maybe it's perseverance that helps people move on. Maybe I just need to carry on as I'm going. I don't know what I'm going to do. Actually, I'll go to bed. And think things through in the morning.