I love him, so I'm not being unfaithful, right? It's only a text, right? It doesn't mean anything surely?
But I want more than a few texts. I can't help thinking that he's going to leave me, so I need someone to leave. I'm going to prove that I'm worth something, so I'm going to have him. I ruined his life, he should hate me. He's not yet recovered after 1 1/2 years, so I think I hit him pretty hard. Only, I never meant to, things just got out of hand. He used me, he never really liked me. So it's a chase I'm never going to win. So I may as well use him back, right?
But my love won't be so happy. It'll kill him. I've made alot of mistakes in my life, but this would be the biggest. And with it will come the biggest thrill.
And he knows I love him, and that I don't want him to go.

Okay, so here's the problem: Me, I'm completely in love with L. but now S. has asked me on a date, and I have said yes...And it looks like he wants more than just one date, and it might launch into a relationship, and I'm not sure I want that. But let's not get ahead of ourselves here...it's just a date. But at the moment, S. and I are quite good friends, so what's gonna happen to that?!? Aah, I just hope it all works out well.

And I'm not sure if I even like him anymore. Now he just seems a bit full of himself, in that sweet caring way. He's still completely lovely, but when I talk to him, it feels like he's trying to turn me against myself; trying to make me forget all my beliefs and inspire me to believe in him instead. And while I guess I do believe in him, I don't want to. Only, it's not that easy; it's like he knows I'm going to move on, so he's extra lovely, suggesting we meet up more, making me feel super special.

But I don't want to love him anymore. I want to move on, I really do. But it's so hard when he's so lovely and easy to get along with. And he's great at talking too, I wish I could talk like he does. Talk about things that matter; really intelligent things, and facts that are really relevant to everyday occurences. So now whenever something happens, I instantly think of him, discussing it with me, and why it happens, when it happens. It's like he's taken control of my brain, crazy, I know. But it's almost true! everything I can relate back to him, in some way or another.

Wow, I started off talking about him negatively, and now I'm pretty sure I still love him. The more I think of him, the more I want to be with him, and the more I miss his charming smile, the cute little habits, like when he looks at me when he's thinking of something, the way he ruffles my hair...

I don't know what I'm saying, so I'll just stop now.

We could be swimming in a library, and still I would be no more intelligent in your eyes. And I don't like that idea at all. All I want to do is do well. And now I'm going to try really hard. Only, it's so hard not to stumble in your presence, you're so perfect, and it's hard to compare.

But I don't know if you even care. You're so hard to read, it's impossible. And that's not just my opinion. And I don't know what to do with you.

As christmas draws near, I'm wondering who I should buy pressies for. Of course, there's always the giving to people who have given something to you. But then who? Like the people who you really care about, who never bother to give you christmas pressents. And how much should I spend on each pressent? Crafty.

And among the superficial things like Christmas pressents, there's still the old recurring issues: those love ones. Me? I'm still smitten with you know who. But it's getting so hard. I can't remember the last time I was single over Christmas, and it's difficult to know what to do. Shall I find someone to share in the festivities with? or stick to this long, never ending chase? I am getting rather lonely, even with everyone else around. I'm a needy girl, but I think I'll stick with this chase. I'll hug my cat.

I'm not making any sense. It's like I'm not me at all. I mean, I'm not one of those people that goes out every weekend, but that's what I've been doing recently. As a result, I'm completely shattered, and I can't concentrate, so I'm doing nothing in lessons. And it's all set to go downhill from here.

They say pride comes before a fall. Now watch me fall.

and I thought you were going to wait for me? Maybe not... I just thought that when you said 'I'll wait for you'...I guess I thought that meant that you wern't going to date other girls. And when you said 'you're the only girl I want', that reinforced my belief. But obviously I was wrong. And if I was wrong about this, what else have I been wrong about??

And now I see you for real, it all makes sense; and I don't want someone like that. So I guess I don't want you. Sorry. And don't forget to miss me.